I need a reason

Since no one has this blog add I'm gonna gonna write down my feelings for you.



Dear Lilin,

If you're reading this, don't get me wrong. I don't want to argue with you so I decided to write to you. This evening, I just called to ask whether which colour of shirt I should buy. I understand if you never pick up my phone. But you didn't reply my call or at least ask me what is the matter for the whole night. Why?

Is it because I'm insignificant to you now? You don't want to know anything about my life? I realise these days you shut me off by saying that you need to talk to your mother or father. On Christmas eve, I really don't understand why can't you just sms me back, knowing that I'm waiting for your call or sms to go to your house. I don't understand why I had to wait for your call around your house so that I could go. Didn't you think that I'm waiting? Didn't you want to see me? I really don't understand, you weren't like this.

You said you love me. I kept telling myself you do. But don't you think that your actions do not reflect on what you said? I feel like you have a lot of anger and hatred towards me. It's like as if you're punishing me. Can you please give me a reason? I deserve to know at least.

It's 12 mid night now. I want to call you but afraid that you won't pick up. I want to sms you to say good night and take care of yourself, but afraid that you won't reply. I really don't know what to think or do anymore. Can you? I really want to work things out with you. But things can't work out if I'm the only one loving, caring and trying so hard in this.

Love is simple and happy. It's not a destination, it's the moment being together and being there for one another. Where has our love gone, baby? Please don't let our relationship slip away.

Love,
Your Petty Jot

Changes

I came to work in Singapore for about 3 months now. First it was all excited and looking forward for actual audit work. Right now I really wish I could turn back time and continue staying in Melbourne.



Lately I have been really upset and depressed over my life. I feel like I have no goals, no direction. Initially I was so sure that coming to Singapore and start building my career. But right now, i dread to work every morning when I wake up. I really miss uni days where I can decide whether to skip class or not.

I'm going through this phase in life where everything changes. Living environment, social environment, financial independence and so on. I miss home, I miss Melbourne and yet I can't find the time to go back or rather I really want to spend more time with LiLin.



Things have changed so much since the day I left Melbourne. I know it hit her really hard because I met her when she just got to Melbourne not more than a month. Since I met her, we have been an item ever since. Grocery shopping, going for classes, eating out at nice restaurants, pigging out at home with my secret ice cream recipe, watching movies... etc.



Right now, I don't know if I should regret leaving Melbourne because I really do. I love Singapore, the people here are fine. But the life here is really shit or maybe my life here is shit. I feel so lonely all the time. I feel like the only thing that is keeping me sane is the internet.




I know I should grow up and be a man. I've been pampered by my family all my life. Pampered by LiLin all the time in Melbourne. Now even though she's back in Singapore for holidays I still feel the difference. Things aren't the same anymore. It hurts to feel this way, I wish I didn't have to.




Things got even worst when she broke up with me on recently. But things are getting better now, we both are trying hard to patch things up. However, I feel like I'm really contributing and putting an effort into this relationship. Correct me if I'm wrong, but this is really how I'm feeling. I really feel that she doesn't care for me anymore. Maybe in Melbourne, I was her top priority and now in Singapore, she has friends and family to spend time with. Maybe I'm just lonely, which I feel that I really am. I hate going to shopping complex alone but that's better than staying at home. I really hate being alone.



I love being with her. I love calling her my baby or my love. I love eating out with her. I love everything about her. I know I can't complain or expect anything in return. But it really hurts to feel that she treats me differently now. It hurts that she doesn't call me sweet names anymore. It hurts that I can't be there to be by her side whenever she needed me.

I can't wait to get my Australian PR so that I can go back to Melbourne and make things right again. And that, I hope I'm not making a wrong decision again.

I love you so much,
I am willing to do anything,
just to be with you again.
Love always.

Cheers to happiness.

Cars

You Should Drive a Red Car

You're the type of driver who isn't afraid to be the fastest on the road. You have a lot of energy built up, and you tend to get your adrenaline fix from driving. Moving at hyper speed, you tend to be annoyed with slow drivers and slow people. Life's too short to be slowed down by someone else!

What Color Car Should You Drive?

Thank God for Sue Ann

All these years, 3 years to be exact, I've been going for tutorial with an empty note book, text book, and a pen, to look as if I've done my work. But no, I usually can't be bothered waking up for tutorials. Lectures? Needless to say.

Today, a friend of mine changed her tutorial into mine. During class, I actually knew what was going on. That was because I've been catching up on my reading every week. I know it's only week 3 now, but every week is actually quite crucial! Doing tutorial work makes me read more in the text book regarding the specific topic of the lecture. After the tutorial, she told me, "Jian, I think you are turning into a geek or a nerd. You are not being yourself."

She may be right. I've been feeling scared since day 1 of this semester. Mainly because it is my last semester, all I need to do is just to pass all 4 of my units. And that is not easy considering the combination of the units. Auditing and Assurance Services, Advanced Financial Accounting Theory and Practice, Taxation Law, and Strategic Management. Besides the management unit, the other 3 are the toughest units in an accounting degree. Usually, these units are spread throughout 2 or 3 semesters. Because I've failed other units, therefore my course progression is fucked.

Since day 1 of uni, I felt damn left out. Most of my friends left to start their career, or doing another degree. I feel that I've wasted enough of my dad's hard-earned cash. And I also feel very pressured by the fact that my brother is going to Russia to pursue his degree in medicine. That will be another hole in my dad's wallet and I already burnt a large hole in it. I kept wondering why it only came to my senses this semester, why not last semester, why not the previous years. I should be working now, doing my CPA as I've planned. I hate myself sometimes and I think that I deserved to be staying in this semester and study hard. I feel so guilty in a way and that is why I'm behaving the way I am now. I can even feel that I'm a totally different person now.


A priceless advice from Sue Ann, "Jot, uni is not a race." Enough said.

Sigh, I miss the summer 05/06 times.

Still Thoughts

Having money does not always bring happiness,
but having a clear conscious definitely brings a peace of mind.

Tranquility comes
when the mind concentrates.

Practice being content
your world will become worry-free.

Don't make light of oneself
because everyone has limitless potential.

Be proper and sincere,
regardless of how others malign us,
it is a chance to improve our characters even more.

Hardship and difficulties in dealing with people and events
are a kind of test.
They are like piece of jade that needs to be polished
on a rough stone for luster to shine forth.

Real happiness is the pure,
comforting,
and delightful feeling
that comes after giving
and renouncing.

If you harbor doubts about others,
there is no way you can love others,
forgive others, or believe in others.

The future is a daydream, the past is a false thought.
We must protect the true mind of this moment,
and carefully keep on fulfilling our duties of this instance.

If you can make good use of time,
you will surely go where you want to go.

Only when knowledge is thoughtfully absorbed,
can it become your own wisdom.

Only when you respect yourself
can you have the courage to humble yourself.

The past is gone.
The future is unpredictable.
All we have is now.
Make great use of it.